It's been a while since I have written, about a month, but I think I am back to writing on a pretty regular basis. The last part of this year my momentum hit a brick wall, but I've wrangled it back into place. One thing that was pulling me down, and stopped me from being so dedicated about nutrition and exercise, was that the more I was doing, and with better results, the more psychological/emotional/family issues kept bubbling to the surface. It felt like I could could only get so far physically, without dealing with a lot of baggage.
There is only so much I'm willing to go into here, but I realized that I have functioned off many models of thinking that get in my way of succeeding. The further I got training, it was like skimming layers off a pressurized are area until it was weak enough to blow. I released a lot of pressure, but now have to deal with what got out.
I was never one to think therapy was the answer. I was always too stoic to think you couldn't just do it yourself, if you put in the effort. I still think that's possible; just not if you want to keep your life intact. Christa put it to me very straight forward. She said to me, why would you see no problem going to trainer for fitness, but not go to a therapist to learn to get healthy psychologically/emotionally?
It was no different than admitting to myself that I wanted and needed to get myself in good physical shape. I just had to admit to myself that I wanted/needed to get myself in good shape in my head.
It's not like I'm crazy, but I certainly have issues with anger, letting go of things from growing up, and a host of others. All these things are in my way when it comes to staying focused.
So, I took some steps that I think are going to facilitate me getting myself under control. Later today, I have an acupuncture appointment, which is something I know very little about, but people I trust (Christa and my sister) tell me is very helpful. I have a therapy appointment next week, at this center that does talk therapy, as well nutrition counseling, massage, and yoga therapy. It seemed like a good place to start considering they work on your self and your body, and since I noticed a link between one affecting the other, they seemed like the place to start.
I also signed up for a 10k race today, as a commitment to myself to participate in 5 races this year. This will help me by knowing a clear cut goal, that is one I can manage. I also signed up for the Burlington City marathon, and for now think I am just going to do half, then later this year, in the fall, do a full marathon. It made sense setting more manageable goals instead of having a marathon be the second race I ever did. I'm still going to have to be pretty diligent as it is to finish even half with a decent time.
In the last month and a half or so, I haven't been doing as much running, strength training, or diet control, just have kept a pretty basic maintenance routine. This is pretty amazing for me actually, since in my past when I stopped paying attention, even for a day or two, my focus all went out the window. The next day I was downtown, having a bacon burger, a few pints, smoking cloves; pretty much just saying fuck it. To come through one of the most stressful points of my life so far, without letting myself fall apart, is encouraging. It's good to know that I have learned some things, and gained some new good habits for a change. Ones that have stuck.
I gained a few holiday pounds, but nothing a couple weeks at the gym won't cure. I also didn't really lose anything cardio wise, as I went for a pretty strenuous run yesterday, with a lot of hill climbing and did pretty close to how I would have a done 6 weeks ago.
Now that I am back on track, I'll be back writing as much as I can. Work was one area that was taking up a lot of energy since Thanksgiving - being a buyer in grocery store around the holidays is crazy - and I think I am going to let work slip just a little, and put that energy into myself. I am a bit of a workaholic, so I'm going to divert some of that energy into taking care of myself, and writing down how it's going, and hopefully people keep reading.
